A poem… If you speak it fast it’s better. Enjoy!
I wake up. It’s hard to move. My dream was good, or bad, either way it’s gone now. I try to guess the time. 5:30?
No 11. [pause]
I guess I should move. Make the effort. My back clicks as I roll over. It’s cold. I hate it. I retreat, jet fast, back to the warm sleeping space.
Ahhhh. Safety. [pause]
The front door rings. Why me? I slip from my nest towards the door. A distorted red jacket waits for me there. It’s a parcel. Not for me. Quick back to my room before I’m locked into a conversation.
Not yet. I can’t. [pause]
I burry myself again. Under the duvet. The warmth is still there. I can fake leaving. And hide here for the whole day. How long can I stay here without guilt? Thinking about guilt brings it. Now I feel bad. What’s everybody else doing? Should I be social? I should do some work. Go to the library. The gym? I ate fish and chips last night. That’s 1500, plus breakfast 1000. And chocolate raisins, 500000. Gah! My jeans are already too tight.
What should I wear? All my clothes are dirty. I need to go to the laundrette. Or I could wear yesterdays… no that’s gross. I spilt ketchup on them. I need 5 pound coins for the machines. And I have to pretend to be nice to them. Uh. I can’t too much pressure. But I need to do something today. It’s friday. Not sunday.
Tick. Tick. [pause]
Time. 12. Great. Lunchtime. Should I eat? Breakfast. Lunch. Brunch. I don’t know. I want cereal. I don’t have it. I’d have to go to the shop. Could I get away with pyjamas? Probably not. They already think I’m slightly odd. I have a headache.
I’m getting ill.
It must be the flu. I heard it was going around. That’s probably a good reason to stay in bed. I don’t want to infect anybody. Now I think about it, I did get sneezed on yesterday. That must be it. Great. Now I can’t do anything, even if I did want to. Best make myself comfy.
Where’s my pillow? [pause]
Ah! It’s cold. No no! What now? Where’s my phone? Time? Text. ‘How are you?’ You don’t care, not really. I should text back. What time did they send it? 3am. Probably drunk. No need to reply… Should I do something? I should do something. Let’s play a game. Animal Crossing.
This is me in the life that I wish I could own. Mayor of a forest. A cute little house. Red roof, red door. Catching butterflies and growing flowers. Bliss. Calm uninterrupted bliss.
9. I should turn off the game. My eyes started watering a while ago. I should move. It’s bedtime now. Dinner? Not hungry. I need to pee. And brush my teeth. Urgh is that what I look like today? Wow. Hey gurrrl! You look really really disgusting. And you smell like a wotsit. Pouty face. I’ve still got it. Okay back to bed. My feet are getting cold.
Ahh. Bed. I missed you. [pause]
I’m going to turn off the light. Try to sleep. I know it will take awhile. More of the same. But it can’t be much worse than the day time.
3am. Still awake. Really? I can’t find sleep. I wonder what facebook is doing. Does it matter? Does it change my life. No. I just end up being creepy and stalking people until I feel terrible about my own life. Jealous of the cyberworld. Actually that sounds about right. Red roof, red door.
Can I get passed this. Can I find sleep? I really don’t want to be in my thoughts anymore. They’re annoying. I’m annoying me. I must annoy them too. Note for tomorrow, don’t annoy people. Stay quiet. And they won’t ask questions. They’ll ask you what you did yesterday and you can say, ‘not much really.’ Then they will stop and change the subject. But smile don’t be grumpy. And don’t bite your finger nails, it makes you look weak. Just sit like a statue… with a smile. But react. And have opinions. Good opinions. You should read the news. No not now. Sleep, remember. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.
I’ll try harder tomorrow.