Another nothing coming up.
I shouldn’t make a habit of this but I fear it’s becoming a habit.
HA! Today, I had a eureka moment. (That’s why the HA! not a laugh HA but a HA! HA… Like a what have you been playing at all this time? You’ve finally seen the light, HA!) It’s not the big kind of scientific, philosophising breakthrough… but the small kind. The one that makes you feel fresh inside like when you peel a piece of dried glue off your skin and that little patch of skin is instantly cooled. That’s because it’s been suffocated for so long by the icky, sticky horrible crappy stuff, it’s been tightened and forced to stay together all tense. It’s gone now though. GONE. I realised this when I was watching an umpteenth video of a life I don’t have that I always thought I wanted. Then. I objectified. I stepped out of my skin… that tense, suffocated skin. And I looked. And I laughed. HA! (remember… seen the light) Look at you. LOOK AT YOU. You sit and you pine and you wish and you hope for a thing that you made up in your head one day when you were feeling lonely. It’s not real, this thing. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real.
What’s next then? Because I can’t very well go back, it’s not real anymore and I’ll only laugh at it now anyway. I fear that I’m too deep in this life. Too deep and suffocating. Perhaps if I peel a little bit off at a time. Letting my skin breathe after years of distraction a lifetime of disdain. (Well the 23 years of this life time I’ve got through. Give me an award, I’ve done so well…) And I’ll free from my life, free from my fake fucking life. Free to discover newings and oldings and lovings and hatings. And all the -ings.
And I’ll fail some ings
and succeed some.
But at least I’ll be doing them.
Not preserving myself in a cocoon.
(I realise somethings do not move. And I’m sorry this is all a little self-obsessive… But not that sorry. Love x)