I am not fit. I’m sitting down too much. My sleeping pattern sucks. I eat too much. These are the things I’ve learnt in my one week of owning a Fitbit. It’s okay though because the Fitbit doesn’t know these things about me. Why? Because I’ve been manically exercising to try to make it think that I’m a better human than I am. In the eyes of the Fitbit I’m a stepper, an active minuter, a calorie counter and a drinker of a million glasses of water. The Fitbit has progress graphs and badges. Yes, badges! For every gamer out there you know that badges are the best! They show that you are winning and I plan to win at the Fitbit.
Here are my notes for people like me who buy a Fitbit and then try to make it think you’re better at humaning than you are.
- Be prepared to pee a lot. The Fitbit has a water drinking section where you have to fill up a little bottle. If you don’t, well I don’t know what happens but I imagine the world will implode. Or more realistically you’ll get a dry mouth. One of the side effects of drinking a large amount of water if your body isn’t used to it, is the peeing. Advice is to stay near-ish to a toilet.
- Buy some scales for you food and be prepared to wait an extra five minutes for you lunch. Part of the app lets you log your food so you can track your calories and proteins, carbs and fats and stuff, but it’s confusing and very specific. I’ve even been weighing my cheese, you guys, it’s so sad.
- Don’t get too involved in your sedentary life. “Why? Sitting down is great!?” I hear you cry. Every hour between 9am and 6pm the Fitbit will buzz at you to get up and move around. I. Know. What. The. F. How are you supposed to watch movies in the middle of the day with a buzzy wrist?
- You’re going to get really good a jogging on the spot. Because of our lazy life (and because both of our jobs require us to be near a computer a lot of the time) my partner and I don’t move around to much. So when we get buzzed every hour we find a spot on the floor and jog manically for until we get 250 steps. Are you picturing two idiots surrounded by technology making the room shake whilst staring at their wrists shouting out numbers? Because that’s not what we’ve been doing this week…
- Be prepared to hurt. To make the Fitbit like me, I decided to go for a run. I haven’t run this year. I’ve thought about it a lot! But it’s always been raining, or I get a text, or I accidentally pretend that I’ve lost my shoes. So I went for a run and I thought I was having an asthma attack. I don’t have asthma but my whole body was burning and I couldn’t take in any air so I imagine that’s what asthma might feel like. We were only running for about 20 minutes… The next day was bad. And the day after that. And the day after that. And the day after that, which is today. I’m in pain. Pain!
But! Don’t be alarmed. I’ve got ten badges so far. Ten! So even though I’m only eating 10 grams of cheese, have to pee all the time, run around in circles like a crazy lady and can’t feel my calves, I have badges to prove that I am a fitty!
That’s all for now.
(Ps. This was not in anyway an advertisement for Fitbit or affiliated with Fitbit in anyway but if you feel like buying one based on what you’ve just read… then you might be as mental as I am. So go ahead!)