How to Cook: Selfish Cupcakes

Jul 30, 2012
I’ve already given you the skinny on what foods I do and don’t eat. But todays food blog is more about fantasy than anything else. 

Before I got what I got, I made (if I can be repulsively un-modest for a few words) the best cupcakes ever! Unfortunately, now I can’t eat them so I don’t make them. I have made some cakes to be admired and I will share a few tips on how to make your cupcakes’ the coolest ever!
I tend to unleash my mad cupcaking abilities on birthdays when I can’t think of a more creative gift, but because everybody has very different ideas of what the ‘perfect’ cupcake is, it’s generally impossible to please everyone… so I don’t, I just try to please me. 
No judging, (I have no shame anyway) but I’m the cupcake maker and I don’t want to eat shit so they get what I make them and they’ll like it! 
Let’s start with the basics. (Ehem… everything here is ridiculously basic anyway but, yeah…) I’m English and I use ounces and I’m not about to go and covert everything into some fairytale measurements, so do me a favour and just google it.
An easy vanilla sponge recipe goes something like this. 
(These amounts will make a pretty decent sponge cake or about 20 cupcakes)
6oz self raising flour
6oz caster sugar
6oz unsalted butter
3 eggs 
A bit of vanilla essence
And a whole lot of luuuurrrrve
Oven is at 180oC
My gran taught me to bake and she never used any of those fancy mixers or whatever so always assume (unless I say otherwise) that I mix by hand. Also any kind of alien technology that expands past a laptop, camera or other filming equipment sends me into a deep, dark spiral of confusing, so I always stay away.
So mix the butter and the sugar in a bowl with a wooden spoon until there are no lumps. A bit of elbow-grease will be required. 
**Softening the butter in a microwave is something I’ve been doing for a while and it seems to save my arm from falling from its socket.**
If your someone who likes to ‘test’ how the mixture is tasting this would be an optimum time to take a bite. If you see this sign: 
It means another ‘test’ would be appropriate. 
Next add the eggs. I used to whisk them in a bowl and then add them but recently I switched to dropping them straight in and I prefer the results. Also add the vanilla essence here and mix well.
Finally sift in the flour and mix until everything is combined together and looks all creamy and delicious.
Now is the fun part. I like colour. And I like to mess around with colourings in food, I find it more fun to eat. When I’m let loose with colours things like this happen:
Mmmm… so much colour
Playing around with the batter at this stage can be equally as fun as messing about with the decorations later. Use different shaped cake tins for different results. (When I do a blog on biscuits, you’ll understand the true beauty of shapes.)
**One thing I will say is that food dyes can sometimes have an unpleasant taste so use them sparingly unless your prepared to add more flavouring to the mixture.**

Cook for about 15-20 minutes or until they look like they’re in between soggy and burnt.
**SUPER IMPORTANT: Wait for the cupcakes to cool before putting stuff on them otherwise they’ll just be really shit and everyone will hate you for being rubbish at cakes**
Okay, so icing. I normally mix a butter icing for my cakes purely because I think it tastes better than the other sorts or icing. 
I don’t really use measurements, I just tend to guess. 
The ingredients for butter icing are:
Icing sugar (I really hope you didn’t need to know that)
Unsalted butter (Again, it’s in the name…)
Milk and/or warm water
Vanilla essence
And mix them all together with a metal spoon.
Here’s the time to be as creative as you want. 
If you make cupcakes that taste amazing I guarantee that the plates will be empty. And if they look good too that’s even better and you’ll get a whole load of friendship points. 

Just experiment with colours, sprinkles, flavours, shapes, patterns and so on, and everyone will be gagging for more.
And when this happens you fib and say there are none left and then go somewhere private and scoff the rest like there’s no tomorrow. 

Catch you soon.

Panda decoration I got from a book… too good to eat
Cutesy heart cupcakes with rose flavouring
Classic Victoria Sponge Cake… mmm

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Druid Georgi

My name's Georgi. I'm all about stories, nature and not being a horrible person. Grab a coffee, scroll around and laugh at my expense. My life motto is, 'Imagine if I'd done tried or whatever.'