How to Look: Hair Dye

I have been granted the wish of free time. All of my time is free. Where normal people would fill said time with activities that will help them grow in some way, I take to my bed and complain of headaches and heartaches and all aches.

As I’m sure you can understand this becomes very tiresome as replaying the same moments inside your head often does. But enough of all that stuff though. I’ve been learning to cope. I discovered that the endless mind cramps disappear when you distract yourself.

Shopping used distract me but I’ve become numb to the joy of mindless purchasing, to the point that owning things is properly nauseous to me. So I had to stop that.

Music helps, for 3-5 minutes I can be lost in Stevie Wonder’s smoothness but then I’m snapped back to my Stevie Wonder-less reality, so I put an end to that too.

I bet you’re all asking, what’s this got to do with beauty!? Well a vanity driven distraction has become my favourite way to get out of bed recently.

I’ve already written something about using hair dye when you’re feeling sad, it’s called ‘What to do when you’re feeling sad…’

So here I’m going twist it around and give a few hints and tips on how to dye your hair if you’re incredibly messy and incompetent, like me.

Read the instructions. Or not, whatever. You’re not stupid you know what to do. Mix the stuff in the box together. Put the stuff in the bottles on your head and wait for a bit. It’s not Nietzsche.

Locate the plastic gloves. This dying hair thing can get messy so protecting your hands is vital. Don’t worry about the rest of your body, if you’re careful there won’t be a problem.

Pretend to be in a chemistry lab. Pour all the liquids together. Evil laughter is optional. Don’t do this bit on your desk because if you spill it you’ll ruin your heavily edited script, laptop, sketchbook or old copy of Paddington Bear. Go to a sink, it’s safer.

Get a towel or old clothing to protect your neck and shoulders. Or don’t do that. Just skip this bit it’s not that important…

Carefully separate your hair into sections and begin to apply the dye. The sections will ultimately become one big clump of sticky hair mess so don’t stress yourself out about the equality of these sections. Just grab clumps and give the bottle a crazy little squeeze.

Realise you should have followed the original step 4 and put a towel around your shoulders. Now try to cleanly remove the white t-shirt you’ve been wearing. You will ultimately fail this exercise but on the plus side you now have a nice new t-shirt with questionable brown stains on it. Nice one!

Continue to squeeze the life out of that little dye bottle. until your hair should be completely covered with dye. But what’s not covered with dye is your walls, floor, sink, toilet and towels so squeeze that bottle until everything is nicely ruined.

Realise that this stuff doesn’t remove very well, panic and flail about until you accept your new wall paint.

After you’ve settled down, take a look in the mirror. You’ll notice lots of brown marks all over your upper body. That’s because you skipped on Step 4…

Locate the nail polish remover. Carefully rub the chemicals all over your skin. The marks will disappear and you’ll remove many layers of skin!

Twist all your hair on top of your head and wait 25 minutes for the dye to set in.

Get so into your tv programme you forget to remove the dye for at least 40 minutes.

Try not to panic as your shower water is brown. It’s supposed to be!

Dry your new hair.

Take selfies of your new do. You’re looking fine. And I bet you’ve forgotten about your brain drama.

Have a nice week.